The Truth About Losing Your Sex Drive—and How to Get It Back

Aging is a natural part of the human experience, but that doesn’t mean your sex drive has to fade quietly into the background. As we move through life, our libido inevitably shifts, often impacted by hormonal fluctuations, stress, lifestyle changes, and emotional well-being. Statistically, women are more likely than men to experience a dip in desire, especially during perimenopause and menopause. But here’s the truth: that shift isn’t an ending—it’s an invitation. By tuning into what desire truly means for you, it becomes possible to reclaim your sexual vitality with intention and care.

Desire, Redefined

Desire isn’t just about craving—it’s a complex mind, body, and soul web. “Your libido is made up of psychological, biological, sociological, and physiological components,” says Cheryl Fagan, sex educator and founder of the sexual education platform On Top. “It can also be influenced by our mood, hormones, and environment. This is sometimes referred to as a sex drive—but it’s important to remember that this isn’t necessarily like your drive to eat or drink water, which are vital for survival.”

While sex may not be essential for survival, it is deeply tied to connection, intimacy, and joy. Understanding the root of your desires—whether they’re rooted in love, pleasure, or emotional closeness—can help you recognize where shifts in libido are coming from, and more importantly, how to support them.

When the Spark Starts to Shift

There’s no shame in acknowledging that your libido evolves with time. “Changes in libido could be caused by relational dissatisfaction, stress at home or work, certain medications, and so on,” Fagan explains. “The key is to stay curious about your desire—or lack thereof.” It’s not about fixing a problem; it’s about tuning in. Prioritizing your sexual wellness as part of your overall health can be transformative. Think of it as tending to a part of yourself that, when nurtured, invites more vitality into every aspect of your life.

As Fagan reminds us, this isn’t about reacting to something “wrong.” It’s about showing up for yourself the same way you would with nourishing meals, movement, or rest. Your pleasure deserves that same level of presence.

Sex, Hormones, and the Menopausal Mind-Body Shift

Our hormones are mighty messengers, and during perimenopause and menopause, the decrease in estrogen can alter how we experience arousal and touch. “The body produces less estrogen, which can affect your sex life, notably sexual arousal,” Fagan tells Respin. “Touch may feel different, you may experience emotional changes, your sleeping patterns may shift… You may also experience vaginal dryness due to decreased blood flow to the vagina.”

Rather than retreating from these shifts, Fagan encourages embracing open communication with your partner and doctor. “Remember, intimacy and desire aren’t limited to physical sex,” she adds. “Consider how you relate to yourself. What brings you pleasure? What makes you feel most alive? Give yourself permission to pursue those things.”

Curiosity Over Criticism

Instead of judging your waning sex drive, get curious. “A huge myth is that sexual desire is spontaneous—that arousal just drops on you,” says Fagan. In truth, desire is more like a garden—it grows when tended to with attention and care.

She points to the “Dual Control Model of Sexual Response,” developed by researchers Erick Janssen and John Bancroft of the Kinsey Institute. This model explains that arousal is a balance between excitation (the accelerator) and inhibition (the brake). Emily Nagoski, in her bestselling book Come as You Are, expands on this by encouraging women to understand both systems and what stimulates or suppresses them.

“Maybe you need to turn off some of the brakes,” Fagan says. That could look like letting go of what turns you off, exploring new toys or positions, or even simply tracking what excites you through a pleasure diary. It doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be yours.

The New Language of Libido

Libido doesn’t disappear—it evolves. “Since desire is cultivated,” Fagan says, “ask yourself: Do you truly believe you’re deserving? Do you feel desirable? If not, this can influence your desire or lack thereof. Love, care, and invest in you.”

Western narratives often portray sex as wild, spontaneous, and constant. But sex, when reframed as sacred and intentional, can become a deeply nourishing part of your spiritual and emotional landscape. “Sex is creative,” Fagan explains. “It’s not just physical—it’s spiritual. It takes us somewhere.”

Ask yourself: What role does sex play in your relationship? What does intimacy look like for you now? How can it evolve to support where you are today?

As Fagan points out, the approach needs to be holistic. “So many factors influence sexual desire,” she says. “Sometimes it’s as simple as changing a medication or scheduling sex—but it can also be deeper, more layered than that.”

In the end, supporting your libido is a personal journey. But Fagan leaves us with a few grounding tools: cultivate desire, keep a pleasure diary, and embrace mindfulness around sex. The goal isn’t to return to how things were—it’s to discover how good they can feel now.